Goodbye Brain. Hello Heart.
Geplaatst op 03-04-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
My brain has really damaged three potentially great relationships now.
With Tweni, I analyzed the hell out of the relative quickness of our finding each other in regards to my recent divorce and also to fresh events in her own life. I talked myself out of something incredible.
With Fabulous Wendy, I analyzed the hell out of her current situation, my life’s possible future direction, and whether or not the timing was right. I once again talked myself out of something incredible.
With the last woman who I never introduced to you, I analyzed the hell out of how she viewed me, what she expected from me, and if it was all sincere. See, I didn’t know it when I first approached her, but she had been a long time reader of SDL. And that presented challenges of its own. That relationship could have been incredible, but I talked her out of it from the very beginning.
It has been a difficult year and a half for me when it comes to dating. You see, I’ve never been in the place in life I am, and it seems to be constantly changing.
This professional blogger thing is all new to me. The dynamics of it are all new to me. The ways it affects my relationships are all new to me. The worry about not only what my friends and family will think about me, and love, and the person I’m with, but what a hundred thousand or more people will think about it all? I never saw that coming. And as much as I’d like to believe and say that it doesn’t affect things, it has. This blog is my profession, my job, my life. And the person I fall in love with is going to be a part of it. They’ll be talked about in posts, yes, but they’ll also greatly affect where my life takes me, what I think about, and what I write about in the future.
And the two divorce thing. I’ve never had to deal with that while I was dating. I don’t believe my future is defined by my past, but that doesn’t mean others don’t believe it. When I zoom out and look at every girl that has fallen for me, I can honestly say that the “two divorce” thing has not been an issue for any them. At all. But it’s so hard to believe it when I’m in the moment with these women, knowing that I have been on multiple dates where the subject is brought up and I see another woman’s spirit deflate completely. I have seen plenty a woman who will immediately and completely discount and discredit me as a potential match because of that one fact alone. I have seen many a pretty set of eyes droop in repulse as they realize they’ve found themselves yet another deadbeat loser.
And even if I do believe that a woman loves me for me and can see past the divorces, I have a hard time believing that her mother and father, her siblings, or her friends will. Parents who sit their grown daughters down to talk them out of dating this man they’ve never even met has happened on more than one occasion. Parents are often the worst culprits of vicious pre-judgment. How could any man be good for you who is not of our church? How could any man be good for you who has been divorced twice? How could any man be good for you when he has such a tainted past? Thankfully almost every parent who has actually met me since my divorce, loved me and began encouraging their daughters in dating me, so this is actually one of the lesser worries of mine.
Another thing I constantly analyze is who the women I date are falling in love with. Do they love and want me or do they love and want an authour the blog? Do they understand there is a difference? Do they understand there is a big difference? Do they want to date me because the thought of being in the limelight is alluring or do they want to date me because the thought of being with me is alluring?
I remember I was kissing a girl one time and when we stopped she blurted out, “I can’t believe I just kissed him. My friends will never believe me.” I had really liked this girl. I never called her again. It was a toxic reality to be faced with.
And then, after our “kind-of” break-up (we were never quite official) with the woman I never really told you about, I was texting her back and forth trying to figure out what happened to us. She told me that after we stopped dating she met another man and that she had fallen in love. She told me it was the most incredible love she’d ever experienced. One in which they didn’t analyze each other or care about anything. Love at first sight, she said.
“I don’t believe in that,” I told her. “I don’t think I believe you can fall in love with somebody right away. I think it takes time and a lot of consideration.”
She told me she was the same way (which I very much already knew), but that it happened to her and she’d never enjoyed love so much.
The problem was, I knew her well enough to know that she was being completely sincere, and that she was completely… happy. Something I had never seen her be when she was with me. Something I had never been when I was with her. We had great times, sure. But our brains were always in the way. Always.
Sponsored Ads
Looking For Singles To Date? Try Loveawake Dating SIte
And after that communication exchange, I lost a lot of sleep for the next couple days. The concept of love without boundaries, love without walls, love without worry, and love without constant analyzation taunted me. It teased me. It whispered to me, “it really can happen, you know.” And in my restless tossing and turning, I complained and whined and asked all of the “what if I believe it and I get hurt” questions and the “what if I believe it and I ruin something before it can get great” questions.
Yet with every question, the concept of this new way of loving pushed back harder.
“What if I fall in love and whatever woman I fall in love with doesn’t fall in love back?”
What if she falls in love and you don’t fall in love back?
Whatever part of my brain was arguing with me had a valid point. It’s happened plenty.
“What if she has a problem with the fact that I’ve been divorced twice?”
What if she doesn’t?
“What if her parents make it difficult for both of us?”
What if her parents love her and love you and make life easier for both of you?”
“What if she only wants to date me so that she can have her moment in the limelight?”
What if she wants to date you because she likes you and she also likes the idea of being in the limelight? Wouldn’t that be the most ideal thing of all? Don’t you want somebody who wants to have fun with you and be a part of your blog? You know you do.
There was no specific person I was thinking of, just women in general. But my mind was having a hard time believing something it so desperately wanted to believe.
Love might still be a possibility for me.
Real love might still be a possibility for me.
And so I argued with myself. For two days and two nights straight.
And the more I argued, the more I realized something. Everything that has fallen apart has been because I wouldn’t believe this simple concept. I refused to believe this simple concept.
Real love might still be a possibility for me.
For me.
The Dan Pearce that is here right now.
Because as much as I have wanted others not to define me by my past, and as much as I haven’t wanted others to define me by my mistakes, and as much as I have wanted others to define me only as the person standing in front of them… I haven’t afforded myself the same courtesy.
I haven’t ever looked at myself in relation to a woman and saw only me, only the person who is here right now. I have seen what I fear she will see. I have seen how I fear she will judge me. I have seen myself through the unkind eyes of others, and I have responded to it before any woman had the chance to do so herself.
And, it was after two nights of stewing over it all, that I realized I do this.
I also realized that if I want a woman to see only the person who is here right now, I have to see only the person who is here right now.
Because, damn.
The person who is here right now is fun, sexy, charming, kind, passionate, and has a lot of love to offer. The person who is here right now is a good catch. The person who is here right now is a good human being. The person who is here right now is a good parent. The person who is here right now is someone that any woman should be proud to be with.
And when that thought entered my mind, I leapt out of bed and I said it all again, this time out loud. I then walked to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and declared it to myself and to the world once again. “You are fun. You are sexy. You are charming and kind and passionate. You have a lot of love to offer. You are a good man. You are a good dad. If a woman can’t see that, well… her loss.”
And for the first time ever, I stopped caring. I stopped worrying. And I stopped thinking. And when Noah was down for his nap the next day, I got onto Match and I emailed a few women who seemed like they were also beautiful and incredible, and within a few days I had a couple of dates lined up.
And for the first time ever, I got ready for a date and I didn’t worry or think about anything while I did.
And for the first time ever, I went on a date and I didn’t care what the girl thought about me or my past.
And for the first time ever, I went on a date and I didn’t care about what others thought.
And for the first time ever, I had real fun on a first date. We laughed. We goofed around. We poked each other and playfully pushed each other. And in the end, it wasn’t right, and that was so strangely okay.
And so I went on another date. And another. And I met some incredible women. I met some not so incredible women. And all of it was fun. And all of it was strangely okay.
Yes, for the first time ever, my brain was not in the way. I was okay with the thought of love happening. Real love. Beautiful love.
And now, somehow, I want it to happen. No longer am I satisfied with the thought of working to love another person. Save the work for the rough times that inevitably lie ahead, that’s what I’ve decided. Love without boundaries and without worry. That’s what I’ve decided.
Love as if it’s not going to fail.
That’s what I’ve decided.
And maybe I’ll fall flat on my butt. Maybe I’ll have my heart ripped out and skewered on a spear. Maybe I’ll regret it.
But… maybe I won’t.
Maybe I won’t.
I’m done looking for the girl who looks best on paper. Hell, maybe the next person I fall in love with will be a complete disaster on paper.
But what if the only disaster is worrying that it might be a disaster?
Maybe it will work with her, maybe it won’t.
Maybe it will be over tomorrow.
Maybe it will be over in a month.
Maybe it will be over in two years.
But maybe… just maybe… it will never be over at all.
And if I ever want to find love that lasts forever, don’t I actually have to believe that love can last forever?
That means from day one to always.
No expiration dates.
No timelines.
No deadlines.
No nothing.
If it’s going to be a disaster, it might as well be a beautiful disaster.
Bring it on.
So, now that my brain is out of the way… I’ve just gotta find that right somebody who can also keep her brain from getting in the way as well. So far I’ve found that I’m not the only one who over-thinks and over-analyzes things when it comes to love.
But it’ll happen. When the timing is right, and the person is right, it’ll happen. You’ll see.